The other side of the coin.

I was to meet a friend of mine today. I forgot to confirm the meeting, she did not check it with me. I showed up. She did not come.
From being perfectly happy, sitting in a park in a bright spring sun, I momentarily got upset, angry and stuck. Wanting to escape the unpleasant feeling and seeing no way out. Damn! I hate helplessness.
She should have called me! – a thought appeared. – If this was important to her, damn, if I was important to her, she would have called!
Well, I said I would confirm! It is all my fault – another voice replied. 

Shifting between anger and guilt

I observed this dialogue for a moment, shifting between anger and guilt, resentment and self-disgust. The allowing that came with it, slowly opened up space for grief. I was grieving not seeing my friend! I was mourning the loss of something very precious. My sadness, my grief were gifts, showing me that I care. And, then, opening me up to gratitude for her being in my life and being important to me. The sun was shining again, and I was feeling a soft pain in my chest. 

Embrace the vulnerability

Sometimes disappointment feels like the life itself rejects us. Like we’re not worthy of receiving what we long for so much. So we reject life, in return. “Oh, nothing happened, really. It’s not that important after all”. Well, it IS. WE ARE. OUR NEEDS ARE. To embrace the vulnerability of “You are important to me! This is important to me!” is to embrace ourselves. Is to allow ourselves to be who we are, to dream, to long, to love. To see ourselves precious. And, then, we can share this beauty with others, creating connection in place of separation. Be together with this pain of disappointment. And the gift of it.

Room for disappointments

So I want to make room for disappointments in my life. Be like a child, who is looking forward to something beautiful, entertaining the dream without playing it down for a promise of false safety.
To open up to disappointment is to open up to gratitude, the other side of the coin. Anything that comes is a gift I can celebrate. Anything that does not I can mourn. Allow the life to touch me deeply. Allow myself to be fully a-life.

Aga Rzewuska-Paca

 

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