I offer workshops, individual coaching and supervision for all who want to create with the children relationships that are built on trust, cooperation, mutual respect and consideration.
Do you want to empower children to be self-reliant, independent-thinkers, creative and able?
Do you want to see them compassionate and aware of self and others?
And do you want to enjoy yourself in the process?
- increase your abilities for self-care so that you have more energy and capacities for yourself and relating with children;
- express yourself so that you are heard and form requests that are likely to be fulfilled;
- deepen your empathic skills to create more trust in your relationships;
- understand how to navigate challenging situations and behaviours of children and other adults (teachers, parents);
- say “no” and express your boundaries, as well as hear a “no” from children in a way that supports your relationship;
- foster cooperation without using rewards or punishment;
- influence behaviour of children and express feedback without criticism;
- recognize and include your needs and the needs of others.
Who solves problems – about mediating conflicts
In a playroom the boys built a large pyramid of mattresses and now they jump from it on the floor.
After a while, Kate comes over and begins to climb.
Paul: It’s for boys only!!!
Me: Paul, would you like just boys jumping from here?
Paul: Yes!
Me: Kate wants to jump too. What can we do?
Paul: Only boys can jump!
At this moment Kate leaves and Myra comes in saying that she also wants to jump.
Me: And now Myra wants to jump. What we do?
Paul: She can build a different tower.
Me: Which building blocks can she use? (I see that they are all used).
Paul stands with a frown on his face, while Myra climbs onto the structure. Paul then turns to her and, raising his hand up, says in a tearful voice: Only boys can jump!
I, gently holding his hand: Paul, are you angry because you would like it to be only for boys?
Yes, says Paul, he jumps and leaves for a moment. Myra jumps after him, and then Paul walks over to her and helps her climb the mattress again.
Me: You see Myra, Paul helped you 🙂 Paul, look how Myra smiles.
Paul jumps a few more times, after which only four girls are left on the mattresses.
What did I do:
- I named the problem: You would like only boys jumping from here. Myra wants to jump too. (Instead of quoting the rule, e.g.: Mattresses are for everyone)
- I invited the kids to look for a solution together: What are we doing? (It gives a sense of agency and removes the burden of responsibility for a solution from an adult).
- WE failed to find a solution that would work for everyone – there were no more mattresses and no one had a different idea. (Now the solution belongs to everyone, not just adults)
- I offered Paul empathy and he seems to have shifted inside – to welcome a girl playing with him.
Aga Rzewuska-Paca, empoweredliving.pl
I want to be alone – about accepting the person, not the behaviour
I offer Lucas a hug, I check if anything hurts him, but it looks like it’s his heart which hurts the most.
– George – I turn to the boy who sneaks into the other part of the room – are you afraid that you did something wrong?
George is surprised. He starts shaking his head saying no, but then nods in confirmation.
– Come to me – I reach out to him – What happened? – George is silent. – Did you want to see the picture Lucas held? – George nods, but I’m not sure if this is what actually happened. I hug him and we rock for a moment, then George starts to play.
Moments later, I see George hitting Sophie, who does not want to give him a toy. I give Sophie a hug, reminding her to say stop if she doesn’t like something. Then, I invite George to join us.
– I want to be alone – replies George. I move closer and start talking to Sophie. George listens from a distance and after a while he comes closer. I invite both of them to decide how they can share the toy.
– George – I do not want you to hit anyone, because it hurts – I turn to him, as the immediate issue is resolved.
– Please say what you want instead. Or ask for help, when you do not know what to do.
When soon George feels tired, he comes to hug me. When I go to the bathroom, he wants to go with me. He does not want to be alone.
What I did:
- My priority was to create relationship and trust between me and George. In the situation with Lucas, I was not sure what happened. I only saw that George was afraid he did something wrong and I focused on reassuring him that he is ok as a person – thus investing in the relationship between us.
- In the second situation I already saw what happened and I could help the children hear and find a solution that could work for both of them.
Will it help George stop hitting? I do not know. I know that he’s learning how to be in this world, how to communicate and stand up for his needs. And I want to support him in it as a guide, not a judge. And I want him to know he matters to me.
In order to separate the person from the behaviour:
- I am finding a need behind the behavior – for “when the need is met, the undesirable behaviour disappears by itself” (Marshall Rosenberg).
- I do not accept behavior – I am making it clear.
- I give examples of behaviours that can help meeting the need, that the child tried to meet with their unacceptable behaviour (or I invite to look for solutions together).
I’m in connection with the human being at all times, open to who he is, as well as his mistakes. I am verbally or non-verbally transmitting the message “you are ok”, “I care about you”. In this way, trust is built between us that helps us get along when the going gets tough.
Aga Rzewuska-Paca, empoweredliving.pl
Do not just do something, be there – M.B. Rosenberg – on the power of presence
– You miss your mom! And what would you like to do with her?
– Have fun… and watch the movie.
– Movie? Which?
– About a toy car that got lost and a girl found it
– Wall-E?
– Yes, Wall-E.
Frank tells me that they watched a movie together with his mom, which they did not finish, and he was curious about what happens next.
And then… just like that, off he goes, with a smile to play with other boys.
– What time is dinner? – Robert runs up to me.
– In half an hour – I answer
– I’m so hungry that my stomach hurts! – Frank appears next to me.
– You are so, so very hungry! – I acknowledge him with astonishment.
– Yes – responds Frank, and goes off to play.
What did I do:
- I noticed my thoughts and fears about the situation and returned to the here and now. Thanks to that I could really be present for the situation as it is.
- I checked with myself whether Frank came with a request for me to do something or a request for connection (to be heard and understood). I decided it was the latter.
In the second situation, when I named what I saw, I did not know if Frank wanted me to do something or just to hear him. The answer came from Frank’s reaction. He did not want to eat just now. He wanted me to hear he was hungry.
When I opened up my curiosity, focused on connection and presence, I could engage in the conversation without feeling that I should “do” something about the situation. As a result, I was not tempted to “fix” Frank – offer him advice or explanations. I could simply be present with him in what he shared with me.
Aga Rzewuska-Paca, empoweredliving.pl
